Life as a Cottager

Bolton 0 - Fulham 0

2008-01-29T14:08:00.000-08:00

Sounds as though we played a very defensive game tonight. By all accounts Andreasen and Hangeland performed well but had no-one up front to punt it to.

I am a big fan of Dempsey, but it really seems as though he has been thoroughly knackered out by his efforts this season. A one-man attack force is not going to bring us what we need this year. It's all very well praying for the return of McBride, important though he is we are placing waaaaaay too much hope on his impact.

We need some strikers and we need them now. We need a team that is built to drive forward. Whilst our defense played well tonight, we are not playing the 'keep things tight' game. We are in the survival game.

Other news tonight Marlon King, the man that both failed and didn't fail his Fulham medical is taken off injured in his first game for Wigan. Keegan proves that you can be fooled twice in the same week by the same team. And Paul Merson's commentary for Sky Sports tonight does indeed prove that it is possible to teach a chimp to talk.

Ok, so we're a point up on last night and things could have been worse. Both Wigan and Birmingham lost which helps matters a little, but we are still some distance from a recovery. A breakthrough is what we're after. Not the promise of one.

Stiffed

2008-01-29T14:04:00.000-08:00

Fifa say no go to Cousin deal. For the sake of twenty minutes we are without someone generally agreed to be a star. For all those who hold any shred of respect for Fifa, take a look at the book Foul! and you'll soon ask yourself why the entire organisation is still trusted to preside over anything.

LATE NEWS: It seems that Fifa have not made a decision on the matter, yet. I have entire faith in this noble organisation: they will do the right thing.

When will this all end?

2008-01-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

With just over two days left until the transfer window closes, Erik Nevland becomes the latest Scandy to join the team. No word yet on the Daniel Cousin affair, but assuming that all's well and he makes the move- will that be the end of it? Sky Sports reports that Neil Clement is on his way in from West Brom on a loan deal that will see him cottaging until the end of the season.

Fulham have lined up a loan deal until the end of the season with the view of a permanent move for Clement.
I genuinely beleive that Roymondo has bought wisely with the funds available. Within a few transactions we have moved away from the Land of the Diddymen to Land of the Giants. It'll be interesting to see how many of them get a run out tonight. A fullish and Fulhamish report will follow on that one.

Says Roy: “We’re bringing in good players but they need to be players who understand that we’re in a difficult situation and they’ll have to roll their sleeves up and fight their way out of the situation." Too true.

Fulham Fallout

2008-01-26T02:48:00.000-08:00

So, there was this band called The Lurkers and they had this album called Fulham Fallout, back in 1978. I'm not entirely sure how this ties in with our club, but a swift look at some of the track listings throws a little light on the matter. How prophetic were these boys...

Tracks include;

Ain`t Got A Clue
Total War
Self Destruct
It`s Quiet Here
Freak Show
We Are The Chaos Brothers

...you couldn't make it up.

Dirty, dirty, dirty Leeds

2008-01-26T02:06:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a great novel, The Damned United, about Brian Clough's ill-starred reign at Leeds Utd in the Seventies. Yes, I know that the book's been out a while, but I've only just got round to it. And if you haven't read it, you really should. You will not be disappointed. This is a passionate story for football fans. A story where the real stakeholders, the players, the managers and the fans take centre stage; before the marketeers, before the agents and before the accountants muscled in. David Peace writes like a man possessed, which is handy considering the subject matter. Clough is part demon, part father and part philosopher. The book is currently being filmed with Michael Sheen playing Clough. It'll be good. But not as good as the book.

Collins Gone

2008-01-25T04:53:00.000-08:00

Despite the faffing that still surrounds the purchase of Marlon King (who's now rumoured to be making his way to Wigan) it appears one part of the original deal holds firm. As far as I'm concerned it's the better part of the deal. Collins John is off on loan to Watford.

Jollins Con always struck me as the kid at school who dressed cool, looked moody, talked tough, but ultimately ended up working in Superdrug.

I guess he was promising, but in the end he reneged on the promise.

ABIDING MEMORY OF CJ: Randomly hanging about upfield and looking hard-done by when called offside. When was this, you ask? Always.

Genius

2008-01-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

Full credit to Oz City for this one.

Danish tasty

2008-01-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

Another day, another signing. Danish midfielder Leon Andreason comes to the Cottage. The web word is that he is a cracking player. If there's one thing you can say for the Danes, they work like dogs, they're entirely loyal and they don't give anyone any backchat. I should know, I go out with one.

The viking has this to say on Fulham FC:

“As soon as I heard Fulham were interested in me, I wanted to join,” he said. “It’s always been my dream to come and play in England and now it’s been realised. I’ve got to work hard because everything over here is a bit bigger and faster - but I like to work hard.

“It’s going to be tough but in my opinion Fulham doesn’t belong where we are now,” he said. “If I can do anything to help I will be happy. I’m prepared to give everything I have for this Club.”

Tak!

21 minutes

2008-01-24T13:45:00.000-08:00

There's an outside chance that 21 minutes will come between us and our new target Daniel Cousin. As well as playing for Rangers, he also played 21 minutes for Lens in August.

The Fifa supremos have ruled that no player can play for three clubs in one season. The deliberations at the palatial HQ continue.

Exclusive interview

2008-01-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

The stewards have come in for much stick of late. Criticisms of a high-handed approach abound. The Cottager felt that it was time to let them have their say. In this exclusive interview, one of the stewards, who we’ll call Steward, puts their side of the story.

The Cottager
It’s been quite a season for the stewards!

Steward
Could you keep it down a bit.

TC
Some think that you’ve been a little over-cautious this season in your stewardship.

Steward
If you continue with that approach I’m calling the police. We have a difficult job to do. Do you think it’s easy walking up and down stairs? A number of my colleagues have had to do that at least once a fortnight.

TC
What for you really stands out about this season?

Steward
Apart from our Day-Glo afternoonwear, I’ve been very impressed with the performance of a number of my colleagues. One in particular has really excelled himself this season. He really has perfected the art of standing in front of fans, looking vacantly toward the back of the stand, and blocking the field of view. This is textbook positional play.

TC
And how about the team. Fulham?

Steward
Who?

TC
There seems to be a recurring problem with people who stand.

Steward
That’s right. It’s against the rules. If anyone should be standing up like a wandering moose and blocking views: it’s us. That’s our job.

TC
Why did you become a steward?

Steward
I’d gone about as far as I could as a traffic warden and so wanted a new challenge.

TC
Is there anything you’d like to say to the Fulham fans out there.

Steward
We know who you are. We know where you sit. And we have your season ticket number.

A new study reveals...

2008-01-24T12:58:00.000-08:00

After years of scientific study I can now reveal that there are three standard reactions displayed by rival fans when I tell them that I’m a Fulham supporter. These experiments were carried out under strict laboratory conditions and no animals were harmed, not even the Chelsea fan who participated.

I take pleasure in reporting my findings to the Council.

1. THE BLANK LOOK
One of the more common reactions. This is usually displayed by someone who is totally unaware of Fulham and entirely unaware that it is a premiership club. These people are also often unaware that the Second World War has ended and that women have the vote.

Common symptoms include: knitted brow, swift change of subject
Most often displayed by: My mother. Man Utd supporters. Sky Sports presenters. Mark Lawrenson.

2. THE PLUCKY UNDERDOG
This is another common one. The subject will often say something along the lines of “Fulham? Great little club. Nice stadium. It must be nice by the river. Chris Coleman was a great manager, you should never have sacked him. Brian McBride- real spirit.” These phrases will often be accompanied by a hand on your shoulder and a piteous look that says, “I’m so sorry that your cat died.”

Common symptoms include: buying you a drink or offering you a chair after you’ve told them.
Most often displayed by: fans whose clubs have won silverware. Chris Kamara. Charity workers. RSPCA officers.

3. THE MAD DOG
Not so common. This is usually only displayed by fans who support clubs in lower divisions. To them, we represent a bargain-bucket Chelsea who have only thrived because of the Mo’s ‘deep pockets’. We are chancers who should immediately return to wherever we belong. We are treated like the ugly bloke at a rather attractive party.

Common symptoms include: Foaming at the mouth. Hard stares.
Most often displayed by: Leeds fans. Alan Hansen. Lawrie Sanchez.

It is possible that I have missed some common types during my investigation. You may have something to say about that.

Spot the poll

2008-01-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Take The Cottager's 'Will We Survive The Drop' poll. You'll find it to the right and then down. Millions fought for your right to vote. Use it wisely.

Visa geezer

2008-01-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

He's all ours. Deal inked today. It appears that the Fulham FC site seems to have had a nervous breakdown, so don't go searching for the mo.

Is this man the answer? Hopefully we'll find out at Bolton.

A little more from Roymond on Fast Eddie from Fulham FC

"I have made no secret of the fact that I believe the squad lacks a certain balance in specific areas of the team and following the loss of Brian McBride to injury, this is true of our strike force.
"At 6’1'' inches tall Eddie has the presence that will complement the other forwards within our squad and he has the ability to offer us another dimension to our attacking play. I am delighted that he has joined us and am grateful to the representatives from the Home Office for granting him the work permit which will enable him to play for us as soon as possible."

Speculation over.

Up and at 'em

2008-01-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

Three players, Christanval, Pearce and Keller, look set to return to the squad after having successfully completed 90 minutes for the reserves. Pearce is a particular favourite of The Cottager. He's one of the few players who seems to sum up what Fulham's about. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one.

Keller really hasn't had a chance to prove himself in goal. This may have something to do with the fact that it's impossible to prise Niemi off the goal line at the moment. His reactions to Adebayor's two headers last Saturday are currently being studied by students at the Slade School of Art, who specialise in the discipline of Still Life.

As for Christanval, take your sweatshirt off son, you're going on.

Roy of the Overs

2008-01-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

Rumours surrounding the appointment of Slaven Bilic as manager are picking up pace. He was spotted at the Bristol game last night. I doubt that he travelled down to pick up a complimentary scarf and I also doubt that he went for the love of the game. He was one of the names mentioned before Roy took up the reins.

The general opinion seems to be that it is way too early to stick the knife in to Mr Quiff. After all, he's still having to deal with the ragbag of lemons and plums bestowed by the previous manager who shall remain nameless, and now unsurprisingly- clubless.

If Bilic signs up, we could justifiably expect Roymond to take a seat 'upstairs'. Perhaps as director of football.

There's something about this arrangement that I like the sound of.

Bristol Rovers 0 Fulham 0 (5-3 on penalties)

2008-01-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

A third round FA Cup replay. To the victor: a gift of a fourth round fixture with Barnet.

I'm listening to BBC Radio Bristol and the commentator's quote of the night, "Fulham like to play football...wherever possible". So, where's possible? Not the Memorial Stadium.

Roy, who's looking increasingly like a gentleman's hairdresser from Colindale, made clear that the FA Cup was not at the top of his priority list. The priority is to instil some confidence in the team and give them a boost for their continued chase for European Champions League qualification. If you were looking for a good place to instil confidence, tonight's fixture wouldn't have been a totally inappropriate place to start. Bristol Rovers are two divisions below us with a team made up of farm workers (not that there's anything wrong with that), and yet, they gave us the right royal runaround. And this from the town that brought us Portishead.

So after 120 minutes of pretty one-sided football, we inevitably lumber towards penalties. To crown a glorious night and despite being the only Fulham player to shine throughout the game, Jimmy Bullard muffs the penalty and Bristol Rovers go through. There will be tractor door slamming in the streets of Bristol tonight.

It should be noted that in this seemingly endless victory drought, we did manage to win the toss to decide which end the penalties were taken. Somebody mount that coin and stick it in the trophy cabinet.

The West Country celebrates and the South-West London Country wonders when all this will come to an end.

A sad night for the Black and White.

THAT GAME IN FULL: Deep depression moving slowly over West Country.
MAN OF THE MATCH: Bullard, I suppose.
TURKEY OF THE MATCH: Take your pick.
TODAY'S CONFIDENCE FACTOR: Less than bullish.
OFFICIAL MATCH REPORT